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Top Five WORST James Bond Films

September 8, 2010

While I do worship at the altar of Bond, I’ll be one of the first to admit that there are more than a few Bond films in the canon that reek of disaster.  Whether they suffer from horrible acting, a contrived script, or just plain bad mojo, here are the WORST Bond films ever made.

5.) The Living Daylights (1987)

What the heck does this title even MEAN? Then, let's talk Quantum of Solace...

Timothy Dalton’s first go as 007 wasn’t the best moment in the series.  It’s not his fault.  While Dalton is a dashing and almost intimidating Bond (in my opinion, he’s the best actor so far to capture Fleming’s original character), he’s stuck with a murky and uninteresting script about a Soviet defector, embezzling and some other nonsense where characters change sides so many times it makes one’s head swim.  Bond plays it straight in the film, committing himself to only one Bond girl, Maryam D’Abo’s Kara Milovy, who is about as interesting as dishwater.

4.) The World is Not Enough (1999)

Sorry, James. No one can save you from Denise Richards's acting

Unfortunately, any time you have Denise Richards in the cast, it most definitely IS enough.  Boasting one of the worst instances of acting in movie history by Richards as Dr. Christmas Jones (which part of this name is more ridiculous – the doctor portion, or Christmas?  Discuss amongst yourselves), TWINE (yep, that’s how it becomes an acronym) is a mess from start to finish, involving terrorists out to raise gas prices (shocking!) and a creepy case of Stockholm Syndrome in the form of Bond girl/villainess Elektra King.  Pierce Brosnan does his best to smirk and eyebrow raise his way through to the end, but unfortunately it couldn’t come soon enough.

3.) Diamonds Are Forever (1971)

The best thing about this film is Shirley Bassey's amazing theme song...

Bad pun alert….  Diamonds may be forever, and this film certainly seemed to last that long.  After luring Sean Connery back for one more go as Bond, producers didn’t even manage to give him a credible story.  Diamond’s plot  involves another brief chase after eternal villain Blofeld before disintegrating into a car chase through Las Vegas and culminating in a chapter set on an oil rig, which seemed to be a mere excuse for  Jill St. John’s Tiffany Case to wear a hideous bikini.  Then again, what do you expect from a Bond movie where the secondary Bond girl’s name is Plenty O’Toole?

2.) The Man with the Golden Gun (1974)

Roger's sneering at the stench that is this film.

Roger Moore’s second outing as Bond has him facing off against Fransisco Scaramanga, the titular character, a masochistic (and misogynistic) master assassin.  Christopher Lee’s portrayal of Scaramanga is brilliant, but all the sneering in the world can’t make up for the most boring adventure in the series, intercut with karate practice, no less. Brit Ekland’s Mary Goodnight is one of the most pathetic Bond girls in the canon, having very little to do besides being the worst MI6 agent in creation, even getting herself locked inside the trunk of the bad guy’s car.

1.) Die Another Day (2002)

Who is more annoyinglyBritish - Toby or Madonna? Discuss.

From the opening credits, which contain the worst lyrics to a Bond theme song in the series’ history (screeched loudly by an aging Madonna) to the pointless and hammy showdown at an ice hotel, Brosnan’s last outing as Bond wasn’t exactly a brilliant send-off.  Poor Toby Stephens as Col. Moon/Gustav Graves and talented British actress Rosamund Pike as Miranda Frost suffer through some of the worst lines/situations imaginable, involving race-altering plastic surgery and conflict diamonds.  Halle Berry is fantastic as Bond girl Jinx – it’s too bad the promise of a spin off for her spiky character never came to fruition.

Coming Soon – James Bond Version 7.0?!

 

To all those folks who have arrived here from the link on the very interesting and entertaining MI6 forum...I was amused reading all of the posts regarding my humble list I created earlier this fall in  twenty minutes for fun.   Love the discussions and debates on that forum (at least the ones that were intelligent and thoughtful as opposed to being troll-like and personal).

For the record:

1.) I’m a SHE, not a HE or an “IT” (do the research and check the “About Alyssa” section),and I’d like to think my humble opinion is exactly that.

2.) I HAVE seen ALL of the Bond films – every last one multiple times.

3.) I still think Halle Berry’s Bond girl can kick the snot out of Tiffany Case or Christmas Jones, regardless of some of the script’s admittedly awful one-liners.

Any MI-6ers who would be willing to enter into a fair and balanced debate on any of the above – bring it on (as long as it is all in the name of fun)!

 

 

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